How to Date <3

Step #1: Red Flags

Start strong by confessing all your red flags on the first date. Tell them you’re jealous, stubborn, emotionally unavailable, and maybe a little dramatic — before the appetizers arrive. Nothing says “this won’t last” like turning a meet-cute into a warning label.

Step 2: Communicate as Little as Humanly Possible

When something bothers you, don’t bring it up. They should Know what you are thinking anyways.

Step 3: Love Your Dog More Than Your Partner

Want conflict? Easy. Cancel date night because “Buddy looks sad today.” Refer to your dog as “my real soulmate.” If your partner ever asks for attention, just say, “Sorry, I’m cuddling with someone more important.”

Step 4: Forget Hygiene Entirely

Nothing destroys romance faster than skipping showers, leaving socks everywhere, and treating deodorant like an optional hobby. The messier you are — the faster they run.